Hannah

All of our stories are forever evolving. I think the more we are capable of being real with our truths in the world, the more at peace we will be.
— Hannah Lawson

Hannah is a strong leader who never takes shortcuts; she always gives her all when it comes to achieving her goals. She is also her toughest critic. Her athletic capabilities have both freed and challenged her. But she is now working to challenge her own defintion of what it means to be “successful”. Meet Hannah. This is her story.

1-1.jpg

K: Please tell us your story!

H: Hello my name is Hannah, and I take myself way too seriously. I was obsessed with the idea of “succeeding.” As a person who is very competitive by nature, I thought the word was easy to define; to be successful you need to win, be the best, give it 120% of your effort. If you give something that much time and attention and still come up short, then all you can do is have faith that what is for you won’t go by you. The reality is we all have a path, our success rate is dictated by how we choose to embrace that journey. I thought I had everything figured out at the age of 22, I checked all the boxes and began living in my own world, constructing a reality that I would call home. But no matter what I did, I always had this feeling of wanting more. Feeling incomplete, I began seeking. The way I understood seeking always had a bit of a negative undertone in my eyes; if I was seeking, it meant that I wasn’t content living in my moment. You could see how having such a rigid definition of success paired with an unconscious wanting for more could be a breading ground for struggle. So, I put my teenage angst on the back burner and spent my twenties climbing mountains, and skiing down them.

I was humbled by life’s lessons that were presented to me, maybe because I approached these learning opportunities from young eyes - diving head first into whatever I did. I welcomed a 5 year relationship with a man who I thought I would marry. During those years, I found my souls purpose in another.

 

But as time passed, I began placing unrealistic expectations that no one could ever live up to. I realized I got so lost in love that I couldn’t find myself there anymore. Leaving someone you like is easy, leaving some you love is gut wrenching. That feeling sticks with you and forever changes a person. Without that loss I wouldn’t be able to feel the strength of gratitude that I stand in today. When I was free of the perceived shackles I had put on my relationship, I no longer had a space to place my expectations, so I placed them on the world.

Frame-12-03-2020-04-18-42-1.jpeg

As I tried to find myself elsewhere, I defined who I was by what I did. So it seemed simple that I would do what I loved. I spent my winters embracing my passion for snowboarding and skiing. There is something so magical about the energy you engage in when you feel the balance and the rhythm of digging your edges into freshly groomed corduroy. Or the exhilarating excitement that fills your soul when 20cm plus accumulate over night. So you’ll get ready as quick as possible to get on the first chair only to effortlessly float down. The connections you share with people riding chairlifts following that amazing ride is something so special. The experience is only enhanced by the warm embrace of mountains and trees.

On days where insecurities plagued me, I would ride those chairs alone, sometimes I’d sit with strangers in silence; other times, we would only exchange a few words, and on occasion they would become riding companions. As time passed, my passion for the sport grew stronger and my journey evolved. I pursued that passion at 120%. I found myself trading in chairlifts for helicopters. I was given the opportunity to snowboard some of the most incredible terrain in the world. It was like the harder I worked, the more endless and amazing my opportunities were; I was living, by definition, my dream life. I had everything I ever wanted but nothing was living up to my expectations. I eventually grew restless like I did in my relationship. The world had handed me everything I had asked for but nothing was enough. When I came to this realization, I took those expectations and I placed them on myself. 

The mountains watched me play in the summer as I was attempting to perfect the game of golf. My love for the sport began as a fun social activity, but when I experienced the feeling of striking a ball pure, and consistency in my abilities began developing, the game took on a different form. Golf should come with a warning label before you swing your first club — “Caution: Highly Addictive.”

My passion for golf grew stronger but my black and white definition of success remained the same. I continued to get to know the disciplined side of myself. I would move forward at 120% because I knew that mindset would breed the exact thing I wanted: success. But golf is a very humbling game, it will keep you exactly where you need to be until you tap into your bodies rhythm and get out of your own head. I noticed a pattern in my game which sparked a stark realization, that I also had a pattern in my thinking. In the spring I would effortlessly step up to the tee and be shocked at how well I could play. But the more I would play, the higher my expectations of myself would get. I wasn’t succeeding. My mind was constantly operating at 120%, I was unable to sit still. That expectation I placed on myself rid me of my passion for the game. Unable to handle the constant fear of failure on the course, I had to walk away. I needed a goal with a tangible finish line, something that would allow me to have physical proof that my definition of success and winning was true.

As COVID-19 was drastically changing the world we lived in, I thought a distraction was necessary, so, I ran a marathon. This was my first endurance race I had ever trained for and for those of you who have run the 26.2 miles you know the operating speed of 120% won’t get you far. I became a slave to my time, despite all the training books endorsing the same school of thought: run your first marathon just to finish.

1-4.jpg

But my ego took hold, I started measuring my success on how quickly I’d run a mile.

My mind was made up, I was going to run this Marathon in under 4 hours. All my training runs had projected this was easily attainable so I pushed forward. I felt so much shame and disappointment in myself when I looked down at my watch and it stopped at 4:17:16. I wasn’t proud of my accomplishment because as far as I was concerned, I didn’t succeed, I failed. 

The months following my marathon brought me to a state of burnout. In October the world provided an opportunity in the way of a career. Only having work experience primarily in the food and beverage industry, I was shocked that I was being offered a job in nutraceutical sales with no experience. I was offered a glimpse into the world of business. A “real” job where I could make “real money.” I would be foolish to miss an opportunity like that. But something within me couldn’t say yes. I tried numerous times to explain to the CEO that if this came to me at a different time in my life I would have embraced it whole heartedly, I just wasn’t ready. I think a part of me knew that I was just going to play out the same story — misinterpret my career, think that what I did was who I was, and create an unrealistic expectation to place on myself.

This would inevitably result in disappointment because I wanted the job for all the wrong reasons — to make money to prove I could tangibly hold my idea of successful.

68A987BB-E894-4DD9-A974-4CD0F3164DAB.jpeg

When I read my story back to myself, I am amused at the general themes that arise. I even laugh thinking I’m the only ski bum out there who takes herself this seriously, must be the golfer in me; I thought we were supposed to be people that were chill and went with the flow. I guess that’s who I always wanted to be. I gave so much power to everyone else, I wanted them to tell me who I was, instead of deciding that for myself. Now I’m at a point in time where all of my experiences are allowing me to stand in my power and reclaim my definition of success that is unique to my story.

Understanding the power of a woman's perspective throughout life connects us. After I wrote these words on paper, I shared it with my Mother and her friend, both highly successful women in their sixties. The words of advice they shared were this, “Feel the fear and do it anyway”; this is something I had always done but was unable to recognize within myself. All of our stories are forever evolving. I think the more we are capable of being real with our truths in the world, the more at peace we will be.  

Previous
Previous

Lynn

Next
Next

Shani