Bek
“Love like you’re unbreakable and empathize constantly. We never know what another person has gone through to make them the person they are. And to clarify, that loving endlessly doesn’t mean putting up with things/behaviours that you shouldn’t have to - sometimes it means tough love and drawing a line in the sand.”
Despite encountering ongoing adversity, Bek adeptly navigates life with a profound sense of aroha (love). Guided by her deep compassion for the world, she channels her ethos into her blog, @tocommercewithlove, where she ardently advocates for sustainable living, serving as an inspiration to others. Beyond her online presence, Bek is actively involved as a social worker and, remarkably, assumed the role of a foster mother at the age of 23. In both her personal and professional life, Bek shows a strong dedication to creating a brighter future - one without systemic barriers, where we all care for the Earth, and where all rangatahi (youth) have the opportunity to thrive. Meet Bek. This is her story.
P: Please introduce yourself.
B: Kia ora! Nō Aotearoa ahau, ko Bek tōku ingoa/nama saya Bek. I'm Bek and I'm from NZ. I'm a social worker and I run a blog called @tocommercewithlove that documents my journey minimizing waste and buying ethically.
P: Describe or define yourself in your own words.
B: A complete nutter who has ridiculous energy levels. I think that comes from my mum but I can live on little sleep and last the longest at a party. I'm constantly working on a million projects so I'm thankful that I have that trait in my back pocket. I like to think I'm fun and creative too. I'm eco-conscious and love a good joke or two (or a million!)
P: What is your favourite thing about yourself?
B: I've recently found that I'm quite resilient and confident which has stemmed from my faith in God and overcoming some pretty niggly hurdles in life. Knowing I have God there in control and there to back me up has fuelled confidence and calm in the craziest of circumstances. I think I'm quite light-hearted too which has helped a lot in my job.
P: Tell us a story. Have you had an experience that’s defined you or made you stronger?
B: A big experience for me was becoming a solo foster mum to a teen when I was 23. The whole journey was difficult but amazing. Most nights I went to bed at 3am, then woke up a few hours later for work (while also doing late night callouts for work). They always say being a mother is unrewarding work, but being a caregiver felt like a whole different level. You do the work of a parent (in my case, two parents), while managing the after effects of trauma daily, and seeing your kid work through the worst hurt from their past or battle 'demons' (as described by some of the kids I work with). At the same time, you're trying to switch the situation up so all the glory goes to their biological parents so they always have a positive view of them, even in days of disappointment where ice cream and hugs become necessary. Sometimes this shifted deeper and being a healthy adult attachment meant that they felt safe and loved enough to take out all their pain on you - sometimes in rage or personal attacks. Fostering was brutal at times but the love is still always there. There are so many positive memories there to mask the hurt, and praying for their prosperity and hoping they will overcome difficulties always remains.
It would always hurt when comments of 'just wait until you experience real parenting,' 'who do you really think you are?' or 'I could never give the children back' were thrown my way as if I was an imposter or a child minder, and tolerated my kiddo instead of them becoming whole-heartedly loved and embedded into my family and life. As foster parents, we always want the child to return home in better and more stable circumstances and for a family to be restored, even if the family are against us as caregivers and tell the kids to not respect us. My job was never to replace the child's family but to meet the child's needs until their family could do that for them. An entire family healed is better than just one child healed. There were often doubts of my ability as a younger, solo female but I learnt to shrug them off pretty quickly because I was capable of doing this even if others couldn't see it.
The whole experience taught me just how much I can go through and still come out positive and resilient. It also taught me a whole new level of empathy as in times where I thought it was too hard to continue, I had to remind myself of how much harder my kiddo's journey was and how normalized awful behaviours were for them. It can be hard to understand what it really feels like until you've gone through it, but as low as it got at times and as crazy as people thought I was for doing it, I would do it all again. It's also fuelled my work in my current job as I am passionate more than ever to never let any child, biological family, or foster parent be treated like how the system treated us. I am proud of my kiddo and how courageous and resilient they are, even though we never were and never will be that perfect picket-fence family.
P: What is one piece of advice you’d give your younger self?
B: From the experience I've had, it's to love like you're unbreakable and to empathize constantly. We never know what another person has gone through to make them the person they are. And to clarify, that loving endlessly doesn't mean putting up with things/behaviours that you shouldn't have to - sometimes it means tough love and drawing a line in the sand.
P: What does being a woman mean to you?
B: A lot! It's being here and there and everywhere. I feel like for a lot of women, it's setting your mind on something and achieving it while still doing six other things. There are some absolute powerhouses of women out there which is so awesome! At the same time, women, in particular mothers, are often seen as sponges of pain that absorb other's (often their children) hurt and hold it for them so they can feel free. Sometimes that means being the emotional outlet for others and that's a really heavy load to carry. There's a lot going on for women but we can be incredibly selfless and continually put others first.
P: Who is one woman that inspires you? What would you say to them if they were here now?
B: I'm going to be cheeky and say two. The first being my mum. She managed a household and worked full-time, and sacrificed a lot to help us get to where we needed to be. I definitely saw myself adopting her traits as a foster parent.
The second is my *adopted*grandmother Nona. Nona took my family in when they moved over in the early 90s and cared for me regularly. She, a fair lady with the whitest hair, called my dark-skinned father her son and didn't give people the time of day when they questioned it. Due to unfortunate circumstances, she was left a single mother in the early 50s and worked hard to support her daughter with no support around her. She's pretty inspiring to say the least.