Ashley
“I think back to young me and think about how I was “so much older then” too, and I hope that I’m younger than that now.”
Ashley is motivated by a desire to share her passions with the world. She’s a film and media scholar who studies race in horror films. Ashley is determined to challenge our understandings and adaptations of the world. As a feminist and lecturer, she uses her platform to challenge damaging societal gender norms and to encourage an un-learning that will lead to empowerment and opportunity for women everywhere. When she’s not pushing for collective change, she’s facing her own personal adversity. Ashley was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis and later developed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. But she keeps going, navigating obstacles with hope, determination and resilience. Meet Ashley. This is her story.
P: Please introduce yourself!
A: My name is Ashley R. Smith and I am New Jersey-raised, Chicago-based educator and scholar completing my PhD in film and media studies at Northwestern University. I teach courses on film and media history and cultural theory at several universities in the Chicago area and am currently working on finishing my own dissertation which explores themes of race in post-studio era American horror films. I like to think of myself as a horror scholar more broadly. I’m also an avid foodie and animal lover who especially adores cats!
P: Describe or define yourself in your own words.
A: I consider myself to be a strong, determined and empathic individual who is really interested in sharing my passions (horror movies, cooking, food, wine, true crime, cats, etc.) with others. I’m a gradually-recovering perfectionist who is constantly working towards finding more joy, compassion, and present moment awareness in life for myself and others and I’m constantly trying to learn from my own past experiences and struggles to better understand and connect with myself and others.
P: What is your favourite thing about yourself?
A: My favorite thing about myself is my resilience and my willingness to hope. I’ve come up against a variety of challenges in life and while I have gotten knocked down a lot in life, I’m proud that I’ve never stayed down. I experience moments of pessimism and doubt, like everyone, but underlying that I have an enduring hope and excitement about the future that I’m grateful I’ve been able to maintain.
P: Tell us a story. Have you had an experience that has defined you or made you stronger?
A: I don’t know that I’ve had a singular defining experience, but I have had a number of challenging life events that have made me stronger. No one wants to be defined in terms of an illness or disability, but my experiences with chronic health conditions has shaped a large part of my life and my personality.
When I was five I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis (a form of inflammatory bowel disease), and in the subsequent 29 years of my life living with UC has meant numerous surgeries, procedures, tests and medical complications. I’ve had six major abdominal surgeries including the entire removal of my colon (or large intestine), suffered an acquired neurotoxic brain injury from anesthesia during a routine procedure related to my UC 10 years ago, and have also been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which can manifest as a comorbidity among people with chronic illnesses.
All of this has required me to adapt a lot throughout my life. Adapting to time spent in hospitals, a new anatomy, school and work requiring a lot more energy, and learning to embrace uncertainty and go with the flow (which I’m still learning to do). While I don’t think I’m defined by my health conditions, they’ve shaped me for better and for worse. For example, my hypervigilance and attention to detail are byproducts of a life spent on high alert monitoring health symptoms, and while it’s made me an excellent researcher and analyst in my professional life, it’s been hell on my mental health and is something I am trying to temper to more manageable, healthy levels. At the same time, some of my best qualities like my determination and my willingness to believe and hope my in ability to overcome challenges have also developed as a result of the experiences that I have had dealing with chronic health conditions.
P: What is one piece of advice you’d give your younger self?
A: One piece of advice I would give my younger self is “Ease up, honey. It’s not that serious." I think having so many aspects of my life (especially health-wise) feel out of my control when I was younger led to my frantic desire to control what I could. I was fixated on getting the best grades I could, being the best person I could be, constantly policing my morals and inherent “goodness” along very binary lines of all or nothing, good or bad. I’ve learned that perfection is the thief of nuance and creativity, and all of the skills and strategies I was using to make sure I acted like the best, most upstanding person I could be when I was younger were actually having some adverse effects, like making me more judgmental of the behaviors of others. I was more motivated by fear and anxiety rather than compassion and understanding. I’d love my younger self to know that you can still be a good person without achieving perfection and that my worth isn’t bound up in my intelligence, my goodness, or what others (or my inner critic) think of me.
There’s a line in my favorite Bob Dylan song, “My Back Pages,” where Dylan repeats “But I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now.” I think I had a very serious and rigid life/moral philosophy when I was younger. My body was young but my mind had the calcified routines and thought processes one might associate with an older curmudgeon who is stuck in their ways. I’ve worked at becoming more spiritually and intellectually younger as I’ve continued to age. To experience less rigidity, more curiosity, non-judgementalness, playfulness, compassion, and acceptance. I think back to young me and think about how I was “so much older then” too, and I hope that I’m younger than that now.
P: What does being a woman mean to you?
A: Being a woman to me means being an example and an ally. The history of womanhood in this country and many others is one of oppression. Of having female voices silenced, female bodies harmed, violated, and shamed, and female ideas and visions suppressed. While we are still a long way from achieving parity and basics like equal pay under a patriarchal system, women have risen to the position of power they have today through the hard work, grit, and resistance of those who have come before us.
All women-identifying people are unified through having experienced (at some point in time) the difficulty of trying to move ahead in a male-centric world that is stacked against you, and because of that, I think the most important thing I can do as a woman is to set a strong example of empowerment for future generations of women. To me that looks like unlearning a lot of the toxic behaviors our society and culture ingrain into women, such as comparing yourself to other women or tearing other women down and overapologizing. Seriously - take a day to be mindful regarding how much you and the other women you encounter in your daily life apologize for NOTHING. I’ve gone shopping and I’ll hear women say “I’m sorry” if they’re looking at an item on a shelf and they *think* they might be in your way as you pause to look at a nearby item on the shelf. I catch myself doing it too. Men never do that, but women are consistently made to feel like it’s their job to make everyone around them comfortable from the time that they are little girls. Women are more than nurturers, empathizers, and caretakers. These are great qualities, but I want to see the next generation of women lead with grace and confidence – we have just as much right to take up important roles and places in the world as anyone else. No apology necessary!
Also, I cannot stress allyship enough. I want the future of feminism to be inclusive and intersectional and to continually lift up my trans and BIPOC sisters as well as any female-identifying individuals and collectives who feel marginalized. The more inclusive our definition of femininity becomes, the more dynamic womanhood becomes, and I think that’s really exciting!
P: Who is one woman that inspires you? What would you say if they were here now?
A: I’m a huge true crime fan and was blown away when I heard Mary Vincent’s survival story on the My Favorite Murder podcast. As a teenager, Vincent survived a horrifying kidnapping, sexual assault and maiming that left her with both of her arms amputated. Not only did Vincent climb up and out of a deep ravine without the use of her hands, but she managed to get help, survive, and face her attacker in court. I think she keeps a low profile these days, but she’s gone on to raise a family and become a painter. She’s such an iconic badass and I admire her more than I can possibly put into words. Whenever I need to channel my inner badass to face a challenge, I think of her.