Angel
“To all my trans friends, know that you’re not alone, you’re not living a sin, and you are loved. Open up the cage, spread your wings.. and fly.. fly sister fly fly away.. fly to your destination and live your dream!”
Angel grew up trying to fit into the gender role society had assigned her, which came at a detriment to her mental health. But everything changed when she decided to transition. This process has brought her closer to who she really is, and though she is still on her journey, she is happier than ever as she now feels comfortable in her own skin. Now Angel is a contestant of Miss Queen Indonesia 2021, who is determined to advocate for trans rights, and show trans women everywhere that they are beautiful, they are validated, and they are valued. Angel is a strong leader, who navigates life with remarkable resilience, and compassion. This is her story.
I’m Angel and I am a transwoman.
Angel. Yes, it’s my name since I transitioned to be a woman. And this is my story.. I remember when I was a little, my mother told me stories about Angels. How beautiful Angels she described and that’s how I knew Angels have no gender. At the same time I knew I was different, but I never had a word for it. I knew I was not a boy, I was a girl deep inside. That’s how I started to feel connected with the name of Angel.
I wanted to be a girl, but I didn’t have a chance. I’ve prayed a lot to God. I’m faithful, and I kept asking my self.. “so why do I feel this way? What am I doing wrong?” I felt so lonely, and eventually got so depressed. Rather than accepted myself, I was fighting it and tried my best to be a Man. As you might imagine, no matter how hard I tried to fit in as “just one of the guys,” I never quite succeeded and people could easily see how feminine I have always been. My parents passed away, and my life became a living hell. I left home and tried my best to survive. To be a woman was not an option at all at that time. All I needed was a job for me to continue my life. I became an English Teacher, and never knew I would become a Flight Attendant too. I traveled the world, I had money. But I felt so empty.
I never thought to transition. I never thought that I could become the woman that I always imagined myself to be, the woman that always seemed much more confident and less socially awkward in her skin. Until I knew what hormones replacement therapy is. Now that I have started my journey as Angel, I have become a very happy person. Looking in the mirror, I see a woman more and more. I see an Angel. She is maturing and becoming stronger. She wants me to be free, she promises to protect me. Angel is in my heart, Angel is me.
My story growing up is similar to the feeling of dysphoria that many other trans women have sadly experienced—struggling with my body and the way people perceived me. Body image can play a role in how people express their gender. For me body positivity is definitely about being able to be myself — dressed as myself and presenting as myself. Transitioning doesn't solve all your problems, but it makes things a lot easier. So now I'm able to be far more comfortable and wear clothing that I personally enjoy wearing, and it gives me a lot more confidence in my own skin.
But you can get so easily lost in trying to fit in to what is considered the standard for women, which I find it very idealistic. So I have to push my self as a transwoman to still see a woman when I look in the mirror, to still look like a woman without all the make up. But it will never be enough! So here I am, sharing how I feel, as I am in this journey to be a woman, that in fact you can stand so firmly in who you are and in your power and you don't need anything but yourself to identify your self as a woman!
All women have a complicated relationship to beauty, but as a transgender woman it’s way more complicated. There’s a lot of pressure to appear feminine. I am most insecure about everything, all my masculine features, my shoulder, my arms, my jawline. And I have learnt, at the end of the day, it’s about being comfortable in your own skin as you enjoy the process.
To some of you who said Transwomen are not real women. Maybe you're right, we are not real woman.. to you. But we are real person to ourselves.. to everyone. We are what we are. We are unedited, we are unfiltered. We are not afraid to be the women we are. We are not afraid to be our selves. We are free. But are you? If not, we hope soon you'll be too. We love you.
It has been a long journey of my self discovery, as I have been through a lot, I wouldn't be able to make it without the support and abundant love from my friends from the day one, and I am truly blessed for everything I have.
Before all I wanted to be is to become the woman I am. Now that I am a woman to do more, I want to help those who struggled the way I did. As I am joining Miss Queen Indonesia 2021, a beauty pageant for trans women in Indonesia, I want to share positive messages to all my trans sisters and remove the bad stigma how people in Indonesia perceive about trans women.
To all my trans friends, know that you're not alone, you're not living a sin, and you are loved. Open up the cage, spread your wings.. and fly.. fly sister fly fly away.. fly to your destination and live your dream!